Roger Collis

Roger Collis
Roger has earned world-wide recognition as a business travel guru through his weekly column, 'The Frequent Traveler,' in the International Herald Tribune; and as a contributing columnist for the New York Times. He has been described as the dean of business-travel journalists in Europe, who ‘created the template for business-travel columns in newspapers worldwide.’ An actor and broadcaster, Roger provides the many voices offered by Voicesetcetera.com.

Blog

Gosh! I could eat a horse

Shock horror! ‘Thirty percent horsemeat found in Tesco’s ‘hamburgers’ shrieked the headlines the other day.

That we should be so lucky! I would never buy the dreck that is sold as hamburger in most supermarkets and junk food restaurant chains. But were it to be labeled: ‘Guaranteed 100 percent horsemeat: contains no additives,’ even I might be tempted. 

Horsemeat from a proper abattoir is tender, sweet, low in fat and high in protein. It is esteemed in France, Belgium, Switzerland and Italy where you will find boucheries chevalines (horsemeat butchers) on many high streets. Several restaurants I know in Paris, Geneva, and Lausanne offer horsemeat entrecotes and other cuts alongside beef counterparts – as a gastronomic choice at a comparable price.  Click here

Remembrance Day

Remembrance Day

At the 11th hour on the 11th day of the 11th month, we remember them.

Today we remember with a two-minute silence the many millions of fathers, husbands, sons and sweethearts, and those known only to God, who died in combat in the Great War (‘The war to end all wars’) and the subsequent and unending bloody conflicts, wrought by the politicians.

Let us also remember the millions of wounded, mutilated, disabled soldiers, sailors, airmen and civilians, who are so often forgotten in official ‘statistics.’ 

I think especially of my maternal grandfather William Maher who died in the trenches in Salonika in 1917.

The citation read: ‘Died of wounds received in Action at Silonika. 17th May, 1917, aged 41 years.’

The Commonwealth War Graves Commission Web site records Rifleman William Maher, 533852, of the London Regiment (Prince of Wales’ Own Civil Service Rifles) at the Karasouli Military Cemetery, grave reference C. 478.

William Maher, a veteran of the Boer War, left a wife Mary (Molly), my beloved grandmother 34; and three children: Reginald (Uncle Reg.) 8; Kathleen (Auntie Kath) 7 and Peggy (my mother) 5.

I am grateful to Fr. Paul Johnstone, chaplain, Royal Alexandra & Albert School, Gatton Park, Surrey, for the following texts; the first of which I read at the RAA Remembrance Service on Friday, 9th November, 2012. .

The First Two Minute Silence in London (11 November 1919) was reported in the Manchester Guardian on 12 November 1919:

The first stroke of eleven produced a magical effect. The tram cars glided into stillness, motors ceased to cough and fume, and stopped dead, and the mighty-limbed dray horses hunched back upon their loads and stopped also, seeming to do it of their own volition. Someone took off his hat, and with a nervous hesitancy the rest of the men bowed their heads also. Here and there an old soldier could be detected slipping unconsciously into the posture of ‘attention’. An elderly woman, not far away, wiped her eyes, and the man beside her looked white and stern. Everyone stood very still … The hush deepened. It had spread over the whole city and become so pronounced as to impress one with a sense of audibility. It was a silence which was almost pain … And the spirit of memory brooded over it all.

            Winston Churchill on the Casualties of World War I

All the horrors of all the ages were brought together, and not only armies but whole populations were thrust into the midst of them. The mighty educated States involved conceived – not without reason – that their very existence was at stake.

Neither peoples nor rulers drew the line at any deed which they thought could help them win. Germany, having let Hell loose, kept well in the van of terror; but she was followed step by step by the desperate and ultimately avenging nations she had assailed.

Every outrage against humanity or international law was repaid by reprisals – often of a greater scale and of longer duration. No truce or parley mitigated the strife of the armies. The wounded died between the lines: the dead mouldered into the soil.

Merchant ships and neutral ships and hospital ships were sunk on the seas and all on board left to their fate, or killed as they swam. Every effort was made to starve whole nations into submission without regard to age or sex. Cities and monuments were smashed by artillery. Bombs from the air were cast down indiscriminately.

Poison gas in many forms stifled or seared the soldiers. Liquid fire was projected upon their bodies. Men fell from the air in flames, or were smothered often slowly in the dark recesses of the sea. The fighting strength of armies was limited only by the manhood of their countries. Europe and large parts of Asia and Africa became one vast battlefield on which after years of struggle not armies but nations broke and ran.

When all was over, torture and cannibalism were the only expedients that the civilized, scientific, Christian States had been able to deny themselves: and they were of doubtful utility.

A tale of two hospitals

A tale of two hospitals: East Surrey Hospital (ESH) and St George’s Hospital Tooting (StGH)

I underwent surgery at ESH in June and StGH in November 2012.

Both wards accommodated six patients, beds well separated, with the usual cupboard and bedside chair. Good modern standards.

          However, StGH (Caroline Ward, Atkinson Morley Wing) had the advantage of a locker for personal valuables with the ward nurse holding the key; a great reassurance for patients; while ESH simply advised patients not to bring valuables, with the usual disclaimer of ‘we take no responsibility et cetera.’ Something for ESH to consider?

          StGH patients are ‘encouraged’ to bring personal clothing, pyjamas, dressing gowns et cetera ‘to make them feel more at home’ (clinical needs permitting). They also had ‘his & her’ gowns with a choice of pyjamas for men, albeit Guantanamo Bay orange. But it is a choice. I was offered a gown to fit me, more or less – whereas at ESH it is unisex ‘little-old-lady’ size for everyone thank you very much.

          StGH patients are also asked to bring a supply of drugs they habitually use. I think this cuts down a lot of otiose dispensing.

          Having unrestricted on-call use of a lavatory is a great comfort. StGH offered quick access to at least four lavatories, so you could be fairly sure that one would be available were you to need it. Whereas, ESH had a single lavatory on the ward; not entirely conducive to the post surgery opening of bowels, where you need relaxed, assured, access at any time. (Are lavatories a personal hang-up? I don’t know.)

          StGH Caroline Ward had its own nurses station and was on a corridor with constant traffic. This ‘open access’ had the advantage of being able to attract attention when needed; but it also made for a noisier environment. The noise of staff chatter throughout one night was hardly conducive to rest and recovery. (Unless, of course, you are trying to improve your colloquial Urdu. Or perhaps some poor demented soul might have imagined themselves in Wales.)

          Bravo to StGH for providing good reception for mobile phones. This is a great frustration at ESH. But zero marks to StGH for not providing free access TV ‘angle-poise’ screens at each bedside. The screens (smaller than those at ESH) required a credit card to operate. Now I have no problem with paying for such services, but I would be most reluctant to swipe my card in such a device for security reasons. (I suspect the screens were installed by a private supplier hoping to make a profit pace the Tories’ NHS ‘reforms’ aka privatisation of the NHS through ‘outsourcing.’ At any rate, not one patient in Caroline Ward used one of these gizmos during my stay.)

          Whereas at ESH, angle-poise TVs with your personal headset were a huge solace to the bedridden; allowing you to watch late night films without disturbing anyone. And you could receive calls and make free local calls. A brilliant facility.

          Patients at both ESH and StGH are pretty well bereft of reading matter unless some kind visitor brings it in. I was lucky at StGH; the son-in-law of a charming Pakistani chap in the bed opposite brought me the Guardian and the New Statesman on three occasions, refusing payment. That is kindness. 

          There are good and bad sorts everywhere; a lot depends on one’s own demeanour. I have usually been treated with respect, although the occasional gratuitous use of my first name can raise a hackle. Staff must be careful not to patronise people. 

          I found the food marginally better at StGH and better organised. There are printed menus, Week 1 and Week 2, which are rotated. Someone comes around just before meal times to see what you would like.  Whereas, at ESH, you are asked to tick off your choices three meals ahead.   Not only may you not be feeling up to what you have ordered, but you may not be there to have it; much food is wasted with this system. Food in any restaurant rarely fulfils the promise of the menu; but the properly printed menus at StGH are a much more civilised and reassuring approach to patients. 

          When it comes to surgery, I had exemplary care from Neil Smith and his team at ESH who performed key-hole surgery to remove, what happily transpired to be a benign polyp, from my upper colon. Personal care at its  best. And never to forget my old friend colorectal specialist nurse Jackie Tunnicliffe and her colleague Sue McDowell – a redoubtable pair.

          At StGH I was impressed by consultant Carol Tan, who supervised a key-hole operation to drain a pleural effusion and do biopsies of the pleural lining. Carol and Greg the anaesthetist, a reassuring middle-aged Australian, were patient and understanding when I expressed last-moment concerns about a risk of damage to my vocal chords during the anaesthetic procedure. We agreed a compromise and surgery went ahead. (I was less impressed by the bedside manner of Kavitha Mattam who it transpired actually did the operation.)

          I’ve no complaints about out-patients clinics at ESH. Dr Mike Wilde at the Chipstead Clinic has given me careful attention over the past couple of years since I presented for an X-ray after frequent bouts of bronchitis.

          The most debilitating thing for me has been the litany of tests and the (usually) two-week wait for results, a roller-coaster of hope and despair over  many months.    

P.S. My first hospital stay was at the military hospital in Woolwich, London,  in 1957 where as a young officer I was brought by ambulance in great pain. I was in a small orthopaedic ward under the care of army doctors and QARANC (Queen Alexandra’s Royal Army Nursing Corps) nurses. Matron was a full colonel, the ward sister was a lieutenant like myself and I recall  being ‘bed-bathed’ every morning by the charming corporal Honeysett. We had a ration of whisky and sherry and on my beside table I had a box of 200 Senior Service cigarettes. It was all quiet congenial. A major in the next bed to mine, who had been injured in Oman, complained about the stupidity of having an orthopaedic ward with a highly polished pinewood floor. But he was outranked by Matron.

P.P.S. My second hospital was Frankfurt General in 1980 when I broke my ankle on black ice in a parking lot while walking ever so carefully towards my rental car. The ankle snapped right through; I had emergency surgery as soon as I was admitted when they inserted metal pins which are still there. I remember waking up in the intensive care unit to be rapidly reassured by the surgeon Dr Peter that they had only put me there while they were waiting for a bed in a ward where someone spoke English. I spent the next fortnight in a two-person ward with a charming young German. When my ankle was safely in plaster Dr Peter came to demonstrate my new lightweight executive crutches, on which I limped bravely off into the sunset.

 November 19, 2012

Home from hospital

I was released from East Surrey Hospital this morning after a three-and-a-half hour keyhole operation last Thursday to remove a small malignant tumour quite high up in the large intestine.

Right now, I am feeling ghastly, with a swollen and painful belly; but it is so good to be home at the Pigsty; especially with Mike and Marg next door, who have been wonderful, as always. Mike picked me up from the ‘departure lounge’ and I enjoyed a real cup of coffee and an omelette with lettuce and tomato – in the tradition of ‘Food & the Single Man.’

Thank you all so much for your prayers and good wishes. It is at times that this that one thanks God for deliverance; there is so much work still to do, and it must get done. I think of all the people I have seen around me in hospital, far worse off than myself, languishing in hopelessness.  

The saga began on April 16 when I was hospitalized overnight for what transpired to be a blockage in the small intestine. Quite common, it appears, especially among those with a history of abdominal surgery.

The blockage was quickly cleared, and I came home feeling fitter that I had for ages, resolved to resume my fitness diet.

This blip triggered a series of checks over the next weeks. Much to my relief, a CT scan and blood tests were clear. But a subsequent colonoscopy on May 23, showed a small ‘nasty’ high up in the colon.  

Had I had a colonoscopy one or two years earlier, they could probably have ‘snared’ the growth as a polyp.

Ineffably depressing, but I suppose it could have been worse 

But, had I not had the gut blockage and unrelated symptoms back in April, the present tumour would not have been discovered.

As Kurt Vonnegut would have said, ‘So it goes.’

Recette du poulet au whisky

Acheter un poulet d’environ 1,200 kg et une bouteille de whisky.
Prévoir du sel, du poivre, de l’huile d’olive et des bardes de lard. Vérifier que vous avez un tube de mayonnaise, on ne sait jamais.
 
Barder le poulet, le saler, le poivrer et ajouter un filet d’huile d’olive. Préchauffer
le four à température moyenne ( 220°C ou thermostat 5) pendant 10 minutes.
Se verser un verre de whisky et le boire.
 
Mettre le poulet au four dans un plat de cuisson approprié.
Se verser un verre de whisky et le boire. Renouveler cette dernière opération.
Après un quart beurre, fourrer l’ouvrir pour surbeiller la buisson du coulet.

Brendre la vouteille de biscuit et s’envoynet une bonnerasade.

Après un tard, un far t’heure… abrès un moment quoi,
dituber jusqu’au bour. Oufrir la borte, reburner, revourner… mettre le noulet dans l’aurte sens.

S’asseoir sur une butain de chaise et se reverdir 2 ou 3 verts de ouisti. Buire, tuire, cuire le loulet bandant une deni-heure.

Et hop ! 3 berres de blus.
Se rebercer une bonne voulée de poulet… non de visky.
Rabasser le loulet (qu’est tombu bar terre), l’ettuyer et le voutre sur un blat.
Se béter la fihure cause du gras sur le barrelage de la buisine. Ne pas essayer de se reveler.
Déciver qu’on est bien par derre et binir la mouteille de misky.
Blus tard, ramber jusqu’au lit, dorbir ze qui reste de la muit.
Le lendemain matin, prendre un Alka Seltzeir, manger le poulet froid avec de la mayonnaise en tube et nettoyer le bordel que vous avez mis dans la cuisine.
 
La semaine prochaine: la dinde au Ricard!!!

King James Bible CD

I have just finished the recording/editing/mixing of ‘Roger Collis reads from the King James Bible with Kirsty Anderson (Celtic harp),’ a 62-minute CD. I am hoping that the CD all packaged up in its ‘jewel case’ will be ready by the end of February.

Here are some pre-production reviews of the master CD:

‘I am listening to the CD as I write while working in the flat. This is WONDERFUL. Everything heard so far is great – but your readings of the Prologue to John and the opening lines of Hebrews are just GLORIOUS. ELATING to listen to. And I love the contrast of the harp. Its arrival following and preceding several passages is breathtaking; your voice superb as a vehicle for theology and narrative alike. I use the term advisedly in most Jewish sense – this is a great blessing. Inshallah, there will be other volumes.’

Father Paul Johnstone, chaplain, Royal Alexandra & Albert School, Gatton, Surrey.

‘C’est boulversant! J’ai pleuré. C’est tellement beau. Ta voix est parfaite, chaque fois l’intonnation juste, l’émotion juste, le ressenti vrai du coeur et pour la 1ère fois grâce à toi je comprends les messages de la Bible!!!! C’est d’une puissance et d’une justesse incroyable.’

Imogen Roulet, lecturer Lausanne University & management coach.

 ‘A v quick few dips – I’ll listen more carefully later. But I think it’s fabulous. So does Marcelle. Congratulations!
Eric Clark, author and journalist.